Conflicts are inevitable in human interactions and arise when individuals have different opinions, wants, or needs. This is a lesson children learn early. Whether it’s a friendly debate about which game to play or a spat over a shared toy, these everyday disagreements are opportunities for children to learn about empathy, communication, and collaborative problem-solving.
Conflicts can manifest in various shapes and situations. In positive conflicts, where both parties are on equal footing and motivated to find a solution, the conflict often becomes a constructive dialogue of respectful disagreements where each individual’s viewpoint is not just heard but valued.
On the other hand, harmful conflicts often stem from a lack of balance in power (as seen in bullying) or a lack of willingness to find a solution. One kid may feel overpowered or unheard, as the other party doesn’t want to resolve the disagreement but wants to win the argument. In these situations, adult intervention might be necessary.
Understanding the nature of the conflict and the dynamics between the parties involved is essential in deciding how a child will approach resolution.
In case of positive conflicts, conflict resolution, while varying in specific techniques, generally encompasses the following structured approach:
Identify the Problem: Each participant tells their version of the problem, expressing their feelings and what they hope to achieve through the resolution process. This step is grounded in active listening, where each person attentively listens to the other without interrupting, ensuring that all viewpoints are heard and understood.
Acknowledging and Understanding: After sharing, each person confirms and expresses their understanding of the other’s perspective, feelings, and desired outcomes. This step is about showing empathy, where each person demonstrates that they hear, understand, and appreciate the other’s standpoint.
Brainstorming: The parties collaborate to find potential solutions to the conflict. This involves considering various options and discussing the possible outcomes of each.
Reaching Agreement: Once a list of possible solutions is created, the parties discuss and agree upon a solution. This decision should be mutual, reflecting a plan that all parties feel comfortable with and committed to.
Implementing the Plan: The agreed-upon solution is then put into action.
Evaluating the Outcome: After implementing the solution, everyone involved comes together to assess how effectively the conflict was resolved. This is a critical reflection phase where the parties determine if the solution meets their needs and expectations.
Revisiting if Necessary: If the first attempt at resolution wasn’t entirely successful, it’s back to brainstorming for alternative solutions, highlighting the importance of flexibility and persistence in conflict resolution.
For kids, simplifying the conflict resolution process can be highly effective. For example, consider a scenario where our young child has a low frustration threshold when they want something right in this second. Otherwise, they will hit, wail, or leave the room.
Through role-playing, teaching conflict resolution to a child could look like this:
Setting up the scene: we pick a time when the child is not hungry or tired, and we have enough time. Then, we start playing on purpose with a toy that we know is a favorite of the child. It shouldn’t take long until we have a conflict on our hands.
Identify the Problem:
- Child’s initial statement: The child might start crying or show frustration because they can’t play with the toy.
- Guidance: Encourage the child to express what they want in simple terms. “Can you tell me in words why you’re upset?”
Acknowledging and Understanding:
- The child’s initial statement: “I want to play with the toy.”
- Adult’s statement: “You really want to play with the toy, but it’s not your turn right now.” Sometimes, I ask my daughter, “Can you repeat what I just said?” I was amazed as even though her body language seemed to show she was following me, she could not repeat my words because she wasn’t actually listening. Be prepared that later on, the child will use “Can you repeat back what I just said?” as well.
- Guidance: Prompt the child to talk about their feelings and the problem in their own words.
Brainstorming:
- Adult’s statement:
- “Let’s find something that works for me and you.”
- “What are some ways we can solve this?”
- “Maybe we can take turns or find a game we can play with the toy?”
- “What if we set a timer for each turn with the toy?”
- Guidance: Encourage the child to think of solutions, emphasizing the importance of considering each other’s feelings.
Reaching Agreement:
- Child’s statement: “OK, we will take turns. I’ll play first, then you.”
- Adult’s statement: Let’s be honest, the ideal child’s statement, “I can wait for my turn and play with something else for now,” can spontaneously appear, or it might require lots of role-playing sessions. So, we will use this phrase until it catches on.
- Guidance: Support the child in deciding on a solution and implementing it.
Implementing the Plan:
- After the agreed period, ensure all parties get a turn with the toy.
Evaluating the Outcome:
- Asking for confirmation: “Did this work for both me and you?”
- Guidance: In a positive outlook, reinforce the message that waiting can be hard, but it’s fair and kind.
Revisiting if Necessary:
- If issues arise: “It seems like waiting is still hard. What else can we try?”
- Guidance: If the initial plan doesn’t work, encourage the child to think of other solutions.
Of course, this is an example that works for a young child. Still, the fundamental principles of active listening, empathy, collaborative brainstorming, reaching mutual agreements, implementing plans, evaluating outcomes, and revisiting solutions are universal in effective conflict management across all age groups.
Teaching problem-solving skills to children is crucial, yet it’s also essential to recognize that certain issues might be too complex for them to manage alone. Bullying, for instance, typically falls into this category of challenging problems.
However, it’s important to point out that bullying isn’t a conflict in the true sense of the word. A child who is using bullying behavior against another, less powerful child isn’t in conflict. The person doing the bullying doesn’t have a problem, unless an adult has made it a problem for her. It’s the target who has the problem; the bully is doing exactly what she wants and is the one with the power, so she has nothing to resolve and no vested interest in negotiation.
Having the target sit in the same room with someone she’s actually fearful of and engaging in the steps of conflict resolution is not only highly unlikely to resolve her problem, it’s more likely to leave the target feeling frightened and re-victimized.
The primary exception to this imbalance in bullying situations is with very young children. Younger children can be assisted through conflict resolution techniques if they haven’t fully forged their identity as either an aggressive, dominant child or a submissive, fearful target. Before that shift takes place, where there is still no significant imbalance of power, there’s a good chance that conflict resolution techniques may be successful. However, they should take place under the close supervision of an astute adult.
Situations where power imbalances are less pronounced offer a window of opportunity to guide children. Positive conflicts, managed well, can strengthen relationships and lead to creative solutions. Being actively involved in resolving issues boosts a child’s self-esteem and self-confidence by shifting conflicts from problematic behaviors and harmful dynamics to healthy social interactions.