Based on the research of Diana Baumrind, Eleanor Maccoby (extremely influential in child psychology and developmental psychology, her Wikipedia page is well worth a read) and John Martin, there are four types of parenting styles:
- Neglectful
- Authoritarian (or Strict)
- Permissive (or Indulgent)
- Authoritative
Neglectful Parenting
Low emotional support, low expectations
Detached from a child’s feelings and behaviours
As the name of this category implies, there is not much interaction between a neglectful parent and their children. Such parents are uninvolved in their children’s lives: they do not ask children about school, they do not know their children’s friends or spend much time with them.
There are multiple causes for such parental behaviour: substance abuse, narcissism, depression, other mental health issues. Perhaps neglectful parents suffered physical abuse or child neglect themselves when they were children. Research shows that parents who report having been neglected in their childhood are 2.6 times more likely to display neglectful parenting behaviour and are twice as likely to be physically abusive. For various reasons, neglectful parents are detached from their children’s lives, utterly indifferent to a child’s inner landscape.
This type of parenting seems to be the worst parenting style, as children raised with this parenting style are severely affected in terms of well-being and development. Research shows that children can become more aggressive, more impulsive, have low self-esteem, are at a higher risk of substance abuse, develop depression or social anxiety. They are more at risk of becoming neglectful parents themselves.
Authoritarian Parenting
Low emotional support, high expectations
Restrictive with a child’s feelings or behaviours
The good part: authoritarian parents set up rules and guidelines (e.g., getting good grades, staying out of trouble) and expect their children to follow them.
The not so good part: Authoritarian parents are dictatorial, inflexible, expect children to obey without question. Thus, children fear punishment (including physical) from their parents and might grow to become good liars to avoid punishment. That brings other predispositions: children of authoritarian parents tend to become more anxious, develop less self-confidence and lower self-esteem since such children are not used to having a choice. Thus peers may influence them more easily.
According to Wikipedia, children raised by authoritarian parents tend to be conformist, highly obedient, quiet, and not very happy. These children often suffer from depression and self-blame. It is not unusual for these children to become rebellious during their teen years.
Regarding rearing their children, children of authoritarian parents may choose the same authoritarian style (“I turned out just fine, so it works”). Or, they may try different parenting styles (especially permissive parenting, amplifying their choice to go as far away as possible from their parents’ parenting style).
Permissive Parenting
High emotional support, low expectations
Permissive with a child’s feelings and behaviours
According to Diana Baumrind, permissive parents “are more responsive than they are demanding. They are nontraditional and lenient, do not require mature behaviour, allow considerable self-regulation, and avoid confrontation.”
The good part: these parents offer considerable support and often talk to their children.
The not so good part: parents may set limits (“hands are not for hitting”, “no running in the shop”, “use your calm voice”, “waiting is hard, but you need to wait”, “pick your things”, “clean your bedroom”, “make your bed”, “we all help and clean around the house”, etc.). However, permissive parents are rarely consistent with consequences or limits.
Thus, these parents have low expectations regarding behavioural attitude from their children and often make excuses for them: “kids will be kids”. Parents will step in only when there is a severe issue, and as we know, it is much more challenging to put out a fire than to deal with a spark.
Because these parents try to avoid difficult moments (confrontations about limits and rules, sadness, anger, disappointment, frustration, etc.), they will often go out of their way to keep their children happy and save them from anything that might be too upsetting or difficult (“helicopter parents”). That means children raised in this parenting style might be less able to bounce back from setbacks, deal with upsetting emotions, and develop resilience, persistence, or problem-solving skills.
Because permissive parents rarely teach their children to follow the rules, these children tend to have a more challenging time developing self-discipline or might show egocentric, self-centred tendencies that will make future relationships more difficult to create and maintain.
A personal example:
“Boys will be boys.”
“Maybe he likes her.”
Both replies were told to me when my daughter was pushed or hit at the creche. It took me every single inch of self-control not to eviscerate the other person. I suppose mothers will be mothers.
Authoritative Parenting
High emotional support, high expectations
Permissive with a child’s feelings, restrictive with a child’s behaviours
Laura Markham calls this style “limits with empathy”.
The good part: This style of parenting is firm but fair. Diana Baumrind says these parents “monitor and imparts clear standards for their children’s conduct. They are assertive but not intrusive and restrictive. Their disciplinary methods are supportive rather than punitive. They want their children to be assertive as well as socially responsible, and self-regulated as well as cooperative.”
Like authoritarian parents, these parents set limits and expect children to follow them. However, these parents know that limits need to be age-appropriate. They listen to their children’s questions and provide feedback and support. Parents explain the reasons behind the rules. Children raised in this parenting style tend to follow the rules not because they fear punishment (as they might with authoritarian parents) but because they see why the rules exist.
Children know they can negotiate or offer new ideas that their parents will listen to. When children fail to meet high expectations, these parents show more forgiveness than punishment. As parents have open discussions with their children, both sides know and expects rules to be negotiated and followed from either side. This is a democratic model, not an autocratic one.
Such parents are containers for their children’s feelings and emotions. They teach their children to accept their emotions and not be consumed by them. There are limits to behaviours, but not feelings. This makes the child understand that all emotions are acceptable. These parents know that at her worst is when a child needs her parent the most. They do not punish their children by withdrawing their affection. They do not bribe children to comply with rules (e.g., paying children to clean their bedroom). Children know that they cannot ignore the rules because there are limits that parents will enforce.
There is no surprise that children raised in such an environment tend to have good self-esteem, be highly motivated, respect others, develop resilience, self-independence, have higher academic success and better mental health (less anxiety), display less violent tendencies.
The not so good part: To date, there is no study that shows that the authoritative parenting style can cause harm to children.
Which parenting style is the most effective?
All things considered, we would all say that the authoritative parenting style provides the highest chances for the best outcome in children of all ages, nationalities, or cultural backgrounds. We would be mistaken.
There is indeed a research consensus that the authoritative parenting style does not cause harm in children, compared to other parenting styles. However, studies across the world paint a muddier picture.
According to Wikipedia,
Most studies, mainly in Anglophone countries, have shown that children with authoritative parents have the best outcomes in different areas (behaviour, mental and social adjustment…).
The case might be different for Asian populations, where the authoritarian style was found as good as the authoritative style. Studies showed that for Japanese children, school environments, peer relationships, or interactions with teachers, and not parenting styles, might more strongly influence their academic achievement motivation.
On the other hand, some studies have found a superiority of the indulgent style in Spain, Portugal, or Brazil, but the methodology of these studies has been contested.
To expand on the last paragraph regarding the Spanish studies: initially, researchers in Spain reported no difference between permissive and authoritative parenting style regarding adolescents’ well-being and academic achievements. However, once Spanish researchers used the same questionnaire used in the United States, they concluded that the most effective parenting style is still the authoritative style.
Parents of black children tend to display a higher focus on discipline, and high standards to encourage children to strive in a society where racial discrimination is a barrier to progress.
In some circumstances, stricter and more controlled parenting is crucial for survival. I urge you to watch this episode from “Uncomfortable Conversations with a Black Man”, and pay attention to this dialogue:
– Amos, what do I always tell when you go out places?
– Go with the brother.
– You can’t ever be alone.
In this light, higher levels of strictness from parents can be seen as protective and prudent. What others could see as authoritarian, is in fact authoritative.
The Black child must learn early to allow laughter to fill his mouth, or the million small cruelties he encounters will congeal and clog his throat.
Whining and tears are taken as a sign of weakness by those around you and let the bully and the brute know there is a victim in the neighbourhood.
Maya Angelou
Through a glass, darkly
What if there is only a parent that follows the authoritative style, while the other does not?
Research found that adolescents benefit from even one parent who is high in both responsiveness and demandingness. This study shows that “it would be a mistake for developmental experts to advocate interparental consistency over inconsistent authoritative parenting without careful consideration of the specific types of benefits associated with each. Authoritative parents married to nonauthoritative spouses should be urged to consider the unique advantages that their style of parenting confers on youth rather than advised to change their parenting styles for the sake of consistency. “
It is more important to have at least one authoritative parent than two non-authoritative parents that display consistent behaviour and a common front.
There are also instances in which parents are leaning toward an authoritative style with daughters (“Oh no! What happened? Why are you crying?”) and an authoritarian manner with sons (“Big boys don’t cry”).
My mother confirmed that some parents are more authoritarian with the first child and more lenient with the other children.
Other times, the same parent might fluctuate between authoritarian (enforcing rules and limits harshly) and permissive (if the parent feels the enforcement was too harsh). As children do not know which part of the parent’s mood swing to expect, they might act rebellious, triggering the authoritarian side. After some time, while pondering the harshness of rules and limits, the same parent will behave more permissively. The cycle will repeat itself.
Nature versus Nurture
We arrive at the same old debate, which is more influential, nature (our DNA makeup) or nurture (the support of family and peers). Which one matters more?
In 2015, a study by the Queensland Brain Institute and the VU University of Amsterdam reviewed almost every twin study worldwide from the past 50 years, involving more than 14.5 million twin pairs. They found that the character traits are equally influenced by genetics (nature) and by the environment (nurture), except for bipolar disorder, where genetic influence was around 70% and environmental factors only 30%. That means different children have different temperaments, and they can and will affect parents’ behaviour. In turn, the parents’ behaviour can and will affect the child’s temperament.
There is also the discussion about “the dandelion and the orchid” or “the dandelion, the tulip and the orchid”. About 20% of people have highly reactive stress systems, and they are more strongly affected by their environment (“orchids”). “Dandelion” children are more adaptive to stress-related situations, and they can outgrow their environment. That means two children experiencing the same conditions and stimuli will respond differently, based on their internal stress system.
A more lenient or stricter parenting style that might work in 80% of children (“dandelion children”) can be devastating or traumatic to 20% of children (“orchid children”).
As children grow, their needs will change, and our parenting styles will vary, too.
Let’s remember that a parent is much more than a parent. A parent has their own needs that are equally as important as the child’s needs. There is no way to enjoy being a parent if parents do not prioritize self-care.
In the end, let’s not forget that parents with authoritative styles still have children who are anxious or display delinquent behaviour, while children of parents with non-authoritative styles can have a good, strong moral compass, are self-confident and resilient.
Nature and nurture.